It's a curious thing: we often accomplish more for others than ourselves. If you've ever marvelled at your productivity when working for someone else, only to stall on personal projects, you're not alone.
Just this week, I pondered why I was flying through my paid work but ignoring the newsletter. You could call it procrastination, but why? Today, I want to look deeper at the reasons behind lavishing attention on what we do for others and letting our own work wither.
1. Seeking Approval
We thrive on others' recognition. A Slack emoji, a shout-out on LinkedIn or a gratifying performance review. It's immediate and gratifying. Unfortunately, our projects lack this external cheerleading, leading us to put them aside for a day, a week, a year, a lifetime.
Solution: Cultivate self-validation.
Ah, yes, the challenge is as old as time: your internal approval must become as satisfying as anyone else's. Set personal milestones and celebrate them without external input and minus any embarrassment.
Recently, I read a newsletter from Harriet Minter, who likens procrastination to Gottman's bid theory:
"I’ve stopped seeing [procrastination] as a failing and instead started seeing it as a bid for kindness or fun. When I sit with why I’m procrastinating, it nearly always comes back to a fear of not being good enough and a need for some gentle self-compassion."
2. Ease of Direction
It's easier to go with the flow. Others provide a roadmap for us, making it more straightforward to start. Our ideas require more effort to shape and develop, and that initial push can be daunting.
Solution: Plan thoroughly.
Sketch out your projects as if you were briefing them to someone else. The habit of self-briefing can provide the clarity needed to begin. Likewise, a deadline may help! Put it on your calendar and get to work.
3. Fear of Failure
When working under someone, the blame is shared. On our own, the buck stops with us, and that's a heavy load to carry — and getting into a shame spiral about the what-ifs can be very destructive.
Solution: Embrace failure as a natural part of personal growth.
When you're the sole player, every setback is a lesson, not a defeat. Likewise, I’ve recently decided I’m not the right person to decide whether I’m “good enough” for opportunities; someone else can take that load.
For example, I have had a “perfectly fine” completed book proposal on my desktop for months. I need to let other people decide whether it’s for them instead of opting out of the process by never even beginning to submit.
Another tactic to conquer failure is to consider it an investment for your future self. Gretchen Rubin, the queen of happiness, has a good article on this. It’s a cliche for a reason: the best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago; the second best time is today.
4. Waiting for Permission
We're conditioned to follow orders, not to self-start. This ingrained habit can leave us passive about our ambitions. Likewise, there is comfort in the predictable rewards of working for others (whether that’s a salary, routine “I’ll have a coffee on the way to the office”, or, again, recognition). Often, our activities are less specific, making them less appealing.
Solution: Practise self-direction.
Set daily intentions. Begin each day with a clear plan of what you want to achieve for yourself, not just in response to others. Get all Nike and just do it.
Likewise, you can start to realign your reward system. Recognise the value in the process, not just the outcome. Find joy in the doing — It's not the destination; it's the journey — and the results can be a bonus.
5. Accountability Works
We push harder when someone else keeps tabs or has set the deadline. Without this external accountability, our personal projects can flounder.
Solution: Create a system of self-accountability.
Share your goals with a trusted friend, or keep a progress journal. Make your commitments to yourself as binding as those to others. I haven’t tried it myself yet, but I have heard very positive things about spaces like London Writer’s Salon and their co-working sessions — daily writing sprints.
Final thoughts
Essentially, we're battling against ingrained habits and the lure of immediate rewards. But awareness is the first step to change. And let me be the first to confess that I am incredibly guilty of falling into the above traps.
By recognising these patterns, we can apply the same discipline to our private endeavours as we do when we work for other people. It's about finding internal motivation and holding ourselves accountable—just as we would for any external client.
Cheering you on,
Amber